Keep My Focus

Someone asked me Am I happy? It's so weird. I couldnt answer. Such a simple question yet so difficult. Would it be a yes or would it be a no. It got me thinking. I've not been happy in a long time. Gone are the days when nothing seems to worry you and you just live one day at a time.

I wonder how growing up has made you cover yourself with more mask then ever before. I am actually putting up more walls then I should and its killing me inside. I dont know, this self protection is shutting me down from people that I love and care about. This self defense also made me behave opposite from my true self.

What is my true self? Who is the real Elina? Am I a pleaser? A follower? A friend? A person?
I need to find my own identity. It's ironic because just whe you thought you know who you are, the world will again question your being with all the life challenges..I',m so caught up with the things around me and I never ask myself what do I want?

I've always thought for others and I've not actually think for myself. And I agree that putting others first before yourself is a goo thing. But the thing is I neglect my own well being and that is not healthy. The bible says, Love neighbour as you love yourself. But, I do not love myself.

I know its hard to believe this because its so easy to love yourself. Hmm..I am always underestimating myself....I need to find my identity. Who I am inside and my identity in Christ.