In a blink of an eye

Recently, been meeting up with schoolmates and also friends whom I was closed to during my younger days. During the meet-ups and chatters, half the things they mentioned seem to slip off my mind and it took me some time to recall the incident.

June told me last weekend, "Elina, on my 18th bday, you cycled to my house and we went to the park. You thanked me for bringing you to Christian camps and never stop encouraging you about Jesus. I will never forget that day."

I looked at her with the puzzled look on my face. I said I truly can't remember that.

Another good friend, Gary who said I was not there for him when he needed me most during the
split with his gf. I said really? I didn't know that I will be a stumbling block to people who are around me.

It saddens me to know that I wasn't there for him when he needed me most. After some self searching I realised that this memory lapsed of mine has begun at the tender age of 9 where I will mentally and emotionally block incidents, people that has hurt me in one way or another.

Even today, I cannot remember what have I done last 2 weeks but I will need a few minutes to search my memory bank to recall what has happened. This emotions makes me feel lost, unconnected to the outside word.

I feel like having autism which is self inflicted. The wall that I have built over the years has not only cost many good friendships, it has definitely separated me from the people who truly cares and loves me. Now, I am basically living in my own world. Where I will sleep through the challenges that come my way.

A breakthrough is needed in my life right now. Jesus told me, a breakthrough will happen soon and there is going to be pain. Where everyth that is not of Him will be shattered into pieces.

I am waiting Lord. Give me the strength and courage when this breakthrough happens.
I know I can trust in a GOD who loves me to bits and a Father who knows me before I was in formed in my mother's womb.

I surrender Lord, all of me, my past, my present and my future.