Losing it

Been some time since I last blog.
As time goes by, my fatith is diminshing. Went to church for a seminar yesterday and phew, cpuldnt sit there for an hour. When home half way through. It just feel so crappy. I think the feeling of guilt, unworthiness all came over me and I just cant be in the presence of Christians.

Shucks. I have lost the passion to be with God. And deep down inside me, I know I need him and even desire Him. But, something is stoping me. I feel so damn crappy and useless and I am beginning to loose my identity. Losing of what i had become and becoming a different person.

I do not blame anyone but myself. The expectations I had on others, and when they dissapoint me or even hurt me, there goes another wound that adds up and make me build more walls around me. I am phobia to expectaions now. whatever anyone expects me to do, i just cant perform anymore and dont want to do it. Aargh, graduating soon and its scarying me. I am not ready to go out. I am not ready to go anywhere.

If anyone is reading this, say a prayer for me...