SO lost

I dont know how many actually reads my blog. But I will write anyway. Sorry for all those ranting on how sad my life is and never actually looking at the things that HE has laid out for me.

Straying from the path is a real painful experience. When you are lost out there and there seem like no other way out, you just feel so lost. Every other steps taken are of your own will and understanding and of course by your own strength.

I long to sit at His feet again. Just listening and doing nothing. I long for the drink that He offered at the well that once you drinkit, you will never thirst again. I long for the closeness....and yet everything seems so far away.

This is one hell of a lost track......I am so LOST..

It's weird

It's weird when everyone around you tells you that you are different.
It's weird when all the friendship that you once shared has turn sour.
It's weird when you saw your ex fling at a wedding dinner.
It's weird when the ppl you trusted gave up on you.

It's weird when you also agree with what others say about you.
It's weird when you still dont give a shit.
It's weird when you are so sad inside but smilling to the world.
It's weird when you feel so alone in this world.

It's weird when everytime you blog you are sad.
It's weird when u love somebody, that person just doesnt care.
It's weird when you give your all, all u receive is ignorance.

It's weird to feel what I am feeling right now..

I miss blogging

To my friends who read my blog.....

I miss you guys and I misss blogging..

hahaha...no more working in Dell and no more 10 hrs free net connection..
hahhahaa...sian sian sian...

will be back in action soon...

Graduation Is near

My dearest Friends who read my blog regulary. My apology for not updating this blog as regularly as I used to as I am busy with my masters programme.

Had a hectic weekend and am predicting the next weekend will be the same. Family and friends will be coming for my graduation on fri and well, u are all invited to come.

Well, things are well and fine over here. I am enjoying my course and the thought of not going to class are not often..:) hehehe....And well, I am also teaching a 15 year old one to one tuition. I am teaching Bm..Hehehe, not too bad. 2 more months to her exam, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that she will at least pass...

Alrite then, I'm tired, will write again soon,.

Lost my hp

Argh, I cant help it. I am so dumb and careless. Can u imagine I lost my hp in the cinema?Argh, I wonder how War of the World has any connection with my losing of hp.

Now, not only I need to answer to my sister cos the hp is hers. And I will need to get a new hp for my usage. Now, all I use is tehepathy,..hahhaha...Or should I resort to Walkie-Talkie.
Wanted to blog about my Sabah trip, but I my lost hp is really bugging me..
argh..

My second last day in DHelll

The excitement is getting to me and the joy and the freedom that will come after tmrw is overwhelming. Yes, I am leaving this shite hole.. I will miss the money of course, but i will definately not miss the early waking up and the going home late. The 10 hours sitting here talking to crappy Aussies and Kiwis.

I feel so bad for feeling so happy to leave, cos Rosie is so sad and pls do read her blog..Hahahhaa, touching man. Didnt know I will leave such an impression with the people and friends that I've met here. Yup, wont forget Shakila, Rosalind, SL, Wielyn, Joanne, Paul, Julian, Ed, Huey Ling and of course my apprentice, JEssica..

Nevertheless, I believe the friendship that I've build here will last a long long time..

Cheeerss

Conquered Pg Hill

The day started with a wake up call by Tevan at 5.40 am. Argh, how my body refused to be awaken and I dragged myself outta the bed. I had so much fear of climbing cos I am afraid I jsut cant make it to the top.

Well, Tevan came around 6.10 am and we went for a drink at Kayu. After having some bananas for breakfast, we went back to my apartment for Rowena to pick us up. We picked up Percey on the way and he looked different. Mayb he has aged a little or was it just the hair. Had some catching up and we started our hike at Moon Gate. The reason it's called Moon Gate cos there was an arch there which looks like a moon..Hahhaa..Farnee...

The four of us walked up so many stairs and phew, it was managable because of the constant BJ hill hike. After about 45 minutes, we reached Number 5. The place is nice and I've always wanted to come to this site. Me n Rowena always hiked youth PArk until number 3 only. Well, we then walked through more jungley trails and got some fantastic views. The haze was really bad and we couldnt see much. After another hour of hike, we stopped at another pit stop called number 84. Phew..There was this tar road that leads to Pg hill...

The tar road was the worst for me cos I really hate to hike up tar road and it was very steep. The extimated time to reach PG hill from here is about 1 and half hour with our speed. Just slow and easy kind. Thank God Tevan gave a push when I felt like my leg cant carry me anymore. The sight of old bungalows was our only consolation to stop and take a breather.

The last few steps up to the Police Station of Pg hill was one of the hardest. Argh the joy of reaching is fantastic. Hehehe, we all sat and had a drink. Rested a while and continue to the Canopy Walk. The walk in took us another 30-40 mins. It was thrilling and scary at the same time as I am afraid of heights.

WE took another breather and enjoyed the beautiful colonial bungalows and Uncle PErcey showed us the bungalow where his father passed away 21 years ago. It was not as scary as it sounds...the bungalow just looks run down.

The hike down was tiring as well, the tar road was so steep and well my legs doesnt seem to brake well...hehehhe....well it was a long way back...and we took about 3 hours to hike up and slightly less than 3 hours to come down. Can hardly feel my legs anymore...

Oh yeah, remember the guy who got lost in Youth Park and died after 3 days. We heard more stories from the caretaker of 84 pit stop...hmmm.....lazy wanna share here...hehehe..

Well, after 7 hrs and 45 mins we went for our lunch in BAngkok Road for mee goreng and I cant wait to go home and sleep. Took a shower and fell asleep. I was not surprised to feel all the ache when I was awake. Went over to Tevan's place to watch Top 10 English songs on Astro where his band performed. Richard and Kanan came to watch together as well..

WE then went for a drink and had our dinner...Slept at 12.30...Took activfed...hehehe....sleepy

FRiday's ADventure

It's Sunday and I am working, not complaining because this will be my last Sunday working here and trying to earn some extra money before I leave this place.

Friday nite was spent wisely, after work went to Bj with Joshua, Rowena and Tevan. Joshua bought a brand new hp. Then, we had dinner at the "Pak Bang's" place near Rowena's house to have dinner. Rather dissapointing the dinner. Cos not very nice and expensive.

Met up with Rosalind, Wilson, and Huey Ling at Super Tanker. Then we went for Bowling and it was fun. With Ming Yu pretending dunno how to bowl, till he surprised us all with his style and efficiency. HAhahha, had a great time laughing at each other silliness.

Huey Ling escaped the Teh Tarik deal cos Mama Rosie treated us Sega's. I like the place. Cozy and nice enviroment. Tc boy came and join us as well...Huey Ling still owe us all teh tarik cos she got the lowest points...hahahhaha Farnee...

Rosalind came back with me to my house and waited for Ben..Hahhaa, she got to see my room and some of my photos. A long day....

WTF!!!!!!!!!!

Rosalind is eating at my cubic at the moment.

I saw the pen that Hummerest gave cos it was cracked...

Then Rosalind noticed that the pen is from a hotel..

I went online to search and true enough, its from THE PALACE hotel in AFrica..

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

Such cheapskate BEYOTCH....Hahhahahahhah

Now, we realised some got Coaster from the hotel and some tooth pick kinda thing...
The post card one CMG got also was from the hotel...

Wah liew..Wat kinda person who kebas things from the HOTEL???????Some more she is top sales....EArn about 10K at least a month..Muahhahahhaa

ARgh,hehehehhehehe.....now my Tail is wiggling, my ears are coming up....the devil in me is coming up....

Hmm...maybe I will sing her a stupid song on the phone before I leave...

Hummerest Gave me a Gift

I learnt my lesson of mot saying bad things about others.

You will be shocked at what you are going to read.

I was just complaining how this particular Sales Rep in my work place pisses us off all the time.
Well, Sha and I refere to her as the HUMMEREST. The reason being she wil hum songs when we are transfering a call to her.

Well, she went to Africa for a company's trip and she bought a present for me. A pen. I was shocked to receive a present from her and I asked Ros whether did she give to everyone? Ros had a gift as well, we laughed nonstop when we found out that she didnt give to everyone.
The rest got a piece of chocolate today. One CMG got a postcard, some got picks....and the rest are just choclate..You wouldnt believe that my gift has my name on it.

I did thank her for the gift. I never knew she noticed me in the office. I think she has not met me before also. Well, hmmm...guess my humming plan to her on my last day of work has to be cancel.....SHucks

My Ex Bf

Argh...My ex bf called and pissed me off today. My hp rang....

Ex: "Eh, how is your mum?"

Hmm...Why the heck he wants to know about my mum?

Me: "Why you wanna know?"

Ex: "Eh, just tell me how is she la?

Me: "She is fine."
Hmm..who told him my mum had a surgery?????? I wondered.

Ex:"Just tell me how is she?"

Me: "How you know?"

Ex:" I've got my resources. What happened to her?"

Me: "I wont tell you until you tell me how you know?"

Ex: "Got la, I just know. "What surgery?"

Me: "No, I wont tell you until you tell me who told you."

Ex: "i told you already, people told me."

(How the heck he knows cos who can be the people, only family members knew about the surgery..and ppl not related to him knew)

ME: "Nope, I wont tell you till you tell me who told you."

Ex: "Dont be childish and tell me. Im working here la."

Me: "I'm also working wat?!"

Ex:"What surgery?"

Me: "Tyroid. How you know? tell me tell me."

Ex: How come can get thyroid wan?

ME: What you mean how come? What a stupid question. Just like asking why got appendix, why got cancer, why got brain tumor..how would i know?

Ex: Yeah la..Must have reason wan la..So u going back to visit her?

ME: not yet...How u know? Tell me.

Ex: Godd (in a sarcastic way)

ME: Eh, pls..Tell me tell me tell me

Ex: (laughed) Goddddddddd, Goddddd Godddddd

ME: yeah yeahyea....Ok la..I dun wnat to talk to you already..
bye.

I cant remember what he said..

The reason of this blog is that EX's SUCKS.....
Second thing is if he knows i Have a blog..and found out about mum's surgery...through my BLOG>.(Chances are not)
And the thing is I want he to know he is ANNOYING...


HELP ME TO FORGIVE AS YOU HAVE FORGIVE ME LORD>>>>>

PRAYER OF A CLOWN

Lord as I stumble through this life,
Help me to create more laughter than tears,
dispense more happiness than gloom,
spread more cheer than despair.
Never let me grow so big that
I will fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child
or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged.

Never let me forget that I am a CLOWN...
that my work is to cheer people up,
make them happy,
and make them laugh,
make them forget,
at least for a moment,
all the unpleasant things in their lives.

Never let me jeopardize the integrity
of clowndom by improper conduct.
Help me to always make others
proud of my actions as a clown.
Never let me acquire financial success
to the point where I will discontinue
calling upon my Creator in the hour of plenty.
And LORD, in my final moment,
may I hear YOU whisper:
"When you made MY PEOPLE smile,
you made ME smile-

- Author Unknown

I missed Batman

Was supposed to watch Batman at 12.40 am with the gang cos Danile finishes work at 11 pm. Well, After hiking up BJ hill with rowena, I was supposed to go home and catch a couple hours of sleep. Then, Samuel came over to my place and we had dinner. He passed me my money for last 2 Sunday's clowning. Yeah, I have money now. He later taught me 3 card tricks and I remember only 2 of them. Still need to practise....

Well, I am sad cos I missed Batman, and PPK my friends. I know Im gonna get it from them. Sigh..Today I'm having dinner with friends from work, banana leaf rice which has been long overdued.

What should I blog today? I just cant wait to finish work and lepak gila-gila. And well, I'm still contemplating whether to get the KODAK V530 digi camera or not. I reallly like it though. Hmm sigh..

Mum had a minor surgery 2 days ago. Dad called and said she is ok already. I didnt call her till today. Maybe later, If not sure she will feel sad...Today is oging to be anothe rlong day at work..Can you imagine its only 9 am....argH?

It's Thurday..How I wish its FRIDAY

Had a good dinner and it was a cold nite man, kena rain when I rode back home. Hmm, sakit kena the heavy rain drops. Thank God I had my umbrella..

This was taken from 'Bright n Shine" today. I was just browsing through my blog, and I came across this. Aduh. For those of you who are not familiar with me, I ride a motorbike. Hahaha, how in the world can I ride with an umbrella? Farnee. It's ironic isn't it, everytime you associate yourself with rain, the next thing that comes to your mind will umbrella. the above post, should have been "rain coat".

Did I mention that my wisdom tooth is growing? I can see half the teeth coming out, and it sure hurts like hell. With ulcer and gum swollening. Phew, what Wisdom!!!!
A colllegue just told me that she has 3 wisdom teeth already, and it's not painful. I asked her why, she said her mouth too big. Thats a good one..

Argh, in a real crazy mood. Talk to much already. Maybe because Wielyn has left Dhell, and there is not many ppl to chat with.....

Tune playing in my head...(Lonely, I'm so lonely...) by AKon

Delivery Woman

I've just got myself a new job. Since this will be my last month in Dhell, my fellow collegues has appointed me to be the delivery woman. U must be thinking that I'm delivering computers, no you are wrong.

Well, today, I decided to go out for my break, as I've not been out for quite some time. Since Shakila left, no one goes out with me already. All too 'kiasu' to go out, scared cannot find parking. So, today, since I was in a rather bright mood, decided to go out, I msn Rosalind asked her what she wants to eat. So she told me lor. Then, by 9.45 am, I am receiveing all kinds orders from various people. I had to write down what they wanted. By 10 am, (thats my break time), someone grab my hand and asked, "Where are you going?". I said, "Jln tengah." "Eh, pls buy for me," whined one person with the Puss in the boots look. So I said ok.

There in my list,

Huey Ling- Economy Rice with 1 vege, 1 egg and tofu.
Siow Kheng- Been hoon 1, bee hoon+kuey teow 1
Lew Kee- Bee Hoon + mee 1
Wayne-2 packets of fried rice, sms again add one more packet
Rosalind- 1 chicken rice, 1 duck rice
Tc- 1 chicken rice
James-Set B, chicken rice
Hai yu- Set A, chicken rice

I am so glad all the fruits stall are not open. I cant imagine getting another fruit list in my hand. Of all days, I wore my slacks and looked quite formal. USually I'm clad in t-shirt n jeans. Hahahha, even the famous drink fella laughed at me, wah....(EAt Ho lia. Ta pau so many)
I muttered a "Ha" and walked to my bike. With both my hands full, I had to figure out, how to put all the polysterene in my small basket. Some I had to hold cos not enough place.

What started as Bright n Shien, now ended up with one sore arm and shoulder blade..
Dont get me wrong, am not complaining, (I'm not TEVAN)....Just a farnee day....

Enjoy babe..Did I also mentioned, i didnt finish my "Teh PEng" .....

Bright n shine

I woke up before my alarm rang and was hoping and squezing my eyes real hard hoping that I have another hour to sleep. I was wrong, nevertheless, pull myself outta the bed and came to work.

Hmm, feel extremely hyperactive today. Maybe I had enough of sleep.
Just took one call, customer looking for Etx 75696....I ask which department is that, he said quotation department. (LOL) So bodoh. There is no such department man..

Anyway, hmm....Ate so much yesterday. More than RM 10 just for dinner and thats only for me. Felt so guilty cos Tevan paid somemore. Hahhaha, shucks will get this for the next 3 years down the road for eating mor e than RM8.50...Had a good dinner and it was a cold nite man, kena rain when I rode back home. Hmm, sakit kena the heavy rain drops. Thank God I had my umbrella..

Thinking of blogging someth different for a change. Not so much of my daily lives but someth different. Not decided yet..Any ideas any1?

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Rushed home from work and joined Daniel, Joshua and Rowena for hiking. Phew, with the guys in the group, they set a standard for us to catch up. They were on a steadily fast speed. Me and Rowena had to throt behind them and we managed to be up the hill in less than 20 mins. Our usual hiking time is about 25 minutes. Joshua felt nauseated after the climb and we had a good laugh at him after he was feeling better.

Well, Daniel came over and took a shower at my house and picked up Rowena and Joshua soon after. We collected our movie tickets and our dinner plan has to changed cos we didnt have enough time to eat at the malay place. So we ended up eating KFC. It was yummy though..

Mr. and Mrs. Smith was ok only. I find it abit too slow and am looking forward to watch Its all about love but Asthon And Amanda Peet. Hmmm, well, had a tiring day. Slept well last nite as I didnt sleep so much also.

When I came to work this morning, it was raining and was partially wet cos only certain area rained. Im glad I came in earlier as it was pouring when I came in. Hmm, what should I do today. Dont have enough time for me to do all the things I wanna do man.

So far away...

My heart is heavy laden, my spirit is down.
There is nothing that I can do to make this emotional roller coaster stop.
A want to put a full stop. U know just pull of the trigger or something.

It has been very tiring and hurting for both parties I pressume.
Sigh, I wish I really wish and pray that I will get out of this SHIT HOle soon.
I'm so unstable at the moment, with so many things in my heart, the dreams that I've long forgotten. The passion I used to have. Now there is no dream, there is no passion....

Just a lost person in this so lost world. There is nothing to grip or hold on too except my personal saviour. Who seem so far away........

8 June

hmm, nothing significant about the date above. Its a Wednesday, and its just like any other
Wednesdays I've had. Well, today is Tevan's final paper and he has already sat for it and went home. Wont be going out with him as he must be exhausted.

Hmmm, been more than a month since I last met him and well, we do communicate over sms n phone calls. He being so stressed up has made it difficult to share a decent conversation. It has been better over the past one week.

Been ages since I last pen down my two cent thoughts. Well, here I am, wasting my time in Dhell and reading pathetic emails sent by managers regarding more rules and shit like that. Farnee, how it didnt seem to have any effect on me anymore. I jsut dun give a crap. Leaving here in 2 and half weeks time. Happy to leave this shit hole but miss the friends that i've made here..

Hmm, heard from a friend that Mount Kinabalu is 5 times worst than BJ hill...and trust me, if u have climb BJ hill, its torturoues..ARgh...I wonder how i will manage man..Cant think about it.

Was sick the whole of yesterday and had a flat tyre again. Now i really phobia want to ride bike d. Argh..LORD, Give me a car pls...

Training up that muscles

The past one week has been a hectic me for me. With so many plans and activities that has been going on, I didnt manage to get enough of sleep. Went to catch a movie with Chooi Fong and Pig HEad on Tues. Had a late nite. The next day when I wanna take my nap after work, i dragged myself to go hiking with Rowena in BJ hill. Killer....

Then rushed off to Suki's Steamboat for SL and Kevin's farewell. It was a fun nite. With so many of us there, had fun laughing our hearts out.

Hmm, went to Botanical Gardens for our exercise as it rained beofre we reached Youth Park. WE decided to do a light exercise and it was good. Then went to gobble up on Nandos and checked out some cameras which I like. Anyway, slept at 10.30 pm..Still feel tired

My leg muscle hurts man..

Flying of to Sabah

My tickets are booked and ervything is confirmed. I will be flying off to Sabah on the 2 July to 9 July. I booked my tickets last week and Rowena suddenly said she wants to go also. So she just confirmed her tickets which was double of mine today. We also book the flight back from KLIA to PG. So, it's flying all the way.

I am so excited as there is at least someoen who will be climbing mount Kinabalu with me. So we can at least practise and train together. Semanagat a bit. Phew. Cant wait to quit my job and go for a holiday and a break. I need to knoe my master's application results. Still no news. Sigh.. I need to know man..

Alrite then, it has been a rather relaxing day. Pig Head came over last nite and ate my chocolate..Yikes..:) We spent some time together la. Me n Shelley and Pighead. WE have a new project, me and pighead...:) We want to paint someting and hang it on the wall. Now I must start browing through some graphics for me to cetak rompak. At least there is something for me to look forward too.
Alrite then, written enough for today..Chioz..

Aiya

tak jadi..

eh, aaron, teach me how to put a pic like urs and u can write something about it wan..hahaha
Im so lost in the world of IT..:)

Trying out

just trying out how to post picture on this blog..:)

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/elina_g/KevnEL.jpg

Weekends

I had a rather long weekend, this is because I was on Mc on Friday and spent the whole day sleeping my life away. Been thinking about myself again and well, I wondered where ELina Goh went? The fun can carefree girl I used to be. Sigh..Now, I dun like the person I've become...Over sensitive and building up more walls then ever.

I was browsing through Salvation Bookstore and there was a few books that I really would like to get hold on. Shucks, I didnt have the money as my pay is not in yet. I cant wait to get those books to read and improve myself..I spent 5 hours with Rowena in the salon to cut and dye her hair. Phew it was definately tiring not doing anything but just sitting down there.

We went to collect her brand new kelisa frrom the shop and I got the priviledge to drive it first because she doenst dare to. HEhee, there I was driving a brand new Kelisa and it sure does feel good man. too bad it wasnt mine. Slept very early last nite cos I was dead tired.

Had a few nightmares and I work up sweating a couple of times. I thought I heard some noise in my house in the wee hours of the morning. Was too tired to bother. hmm, I wonder what was tat.

Anyway, I need money..ARgh...I need to buy some toiletries........

I miss home more than ever.

Keep My Focus

Someone asked me Am I happy? It's so weird. I couldnt answer. Such a simple question yet so difficult. Would it be a yes or would it be a no. It got me thinking. I've not been happy in a long time. Gone are the days when nothing seems to worry you and you just live one day at a time.

I wonder how growing up has made you cover yourself with more mask then ever before. I am actually putting up more walls then I should and its killing me inside. I dont know, this self protection is shutting me down from people that I love and care about. This self defense also made me behave opposite from my true self.

What is my true self? Who is the real Elina? Am I a pleaser? A follower? A friend? A person?
I need to find my own identity. It's ironic because just whe you thought you know who you are, the world will again question your being with all the life challenges..I',m so caught up with the things around me and I never ask myself what do I want?

I've always thought for others and I've not actually think for myself. And I agree that putting others first before yourself is a goo thing. But the thing is I neglect my own well being and that is not healthy. The bible says, Love neighbour as you love yourself. But, I do not love myself.

I know its hard to believe this because its so easy to love yourself. Hmm..I am always underestimating myself....I need to find my identity. Who I am inside and my identity in Christ.

Should I or should I not?

At the moment, I am wondering whether did I make the right decision by wanting to stay in Penang after my graduation. Now, I am doubting my choice. I am not sure whether this is where I should pursue my studies or just pack and go home. And that's what I've been wanting to do.

The friends and people around me are not helping with my confusion at all. Someone just shouted at me yestderday nite for being so emotional and how do I explain the confusion and turmoil I feel inside. I myself dunno what's YEsgoing on in me. And all I could do is just keep quiet because my mind is blank. There is no point answering all the questions directed to me cos there were no answers. I just feel melancholic that's all. I couldnt do anything else and I just cried because no one undestands me. I cried. In the middle of the nite and was awaken by a phone call. I cried. Sounds pathetic yeah.

Nevertheless, as I woke up this morning with both my eyes swollen. I ask myself again, do I really want to stay in Penang? I still cant find the answer.

Well, sitting here all alone with No Shakila to chat and laugh with...So bored..

Tribute to Shakila

Well, the day started with a heavy thunderstorm and I couldnt go to work. I sms-ed Shakila at 7 am to ask her to give me a lift. The rain was really heavy and it was congested all the way to work. We were 10 mins late and this is the first time ever that I was late.

Our KFC cravings took the better of us and we drove to get Colonel's original and curry chicken. ANd we were again late to come back cos we couldnt find a parking. And we didnt give a darn anyway.

Sigh, Shakila's last day and I will be here all alone for the next 2 months. Kinda sad to think about it. No more fren to eat with and talk nonsense. Well, hope to befriend the newbies so my work wouldnt be so boring.

Sigh..So tired...had an argument with Tevan last nite. It was not even an arguement. Just didnt feel like talking to him cos I was just pissed la...

I dont know what's up with me these days. Easily pissed and I am becoming worst and worst. I need to go home soon...

OOops this is supposed to be for Shakila...Hehehe..You will definately be missed..:)

Why is it when you find the answers you lose the reasons?

Why is it when you find the answers you lose the reasons? (Shakila R.)
WEll said Shakila..:)

Hmm, that's exactly what I've been feeling for the past two weeks. So many questions in my mind, and when I try to find the answers, I lost the reason in doing so. And the next question is.. NOW WHAT????

I think the NOW WHAT? question is much more confusing and depressing to think about. It requires you take take the next step and what are you going to do about it. ANd there you will go cracking your already crazy head and having to make the decision that will change everyth. And I hate to be in the thinking mode. I will go depress and start making assumptions and pressumations...Whatever you call it. ARgh....

Well, it has been a tiring one month as I've been working the 6 am shift. I am physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. It has been a real hectic week for me cos the call rates in Dell is crazy as they had promotion. And well, its Saturday and I am working. I didnt have much time to blog cos have to asnwer all those freaking calls. Anyway, today is rather relaxing as there are not many calls and I am thankful for that.

Feel like going home and I definately need to go home. I've not been home since CNy and tats about 3 months plus and I think this is the longest that I've been away from home. Its a wonder how familiar faces and surroundings can just recharge you........

Slept early

I have been sleeping rather early these days cos there is nothing to do and I've been feeling weak. WEll, took a swim last nite and had the whole pool to myself as it was around 8pm. It was a great place to soothe and relax my body and mind. Then, took a long shower and started changing channels of the tv set. There is nothing worth watching these days moreover I dont have ASTRO. ARgh....

Anyway, mum called and ask whether I will be going home this weekend. She doesn't know that working in d(h)ell means you will need to work on a Public hol. Sigh sigh. I hope to be bakc this weekend. I'm not sure. Hmmm, let's just hope I can go back soon.

WEll, I'm having the pulling feeling on my head again. Sigh sigh..I'm not sure whether its the inconsistency of my working hours, staring at the pc too long or listening on the headphone for 9 hours. I really need to find out as I dun want my headache to get worst.

My Big Boss just came..MD of DEll...hehhehee....Dun care la .... And I heard it's raining heavy outside..:) yeah yeah...Hope by the time I go back, it will be dry already..So I wont need to get wet.

Got soaked in da rain

Weather: Cold all day long ( d(h)ell Igloo )

I slept real early last nite as I was not feeling well. I'm not sure what's been going on with me. Been so sick....Either kena jangkit frm Shakila....(lol) or simply I'm over exhausted with work. Been having this funny headache which comes and goes and I just dont want to take any medication as I dont want to be addicted to Panadols.

Hmm, waking at 5.10 am in the morning has been a norm even though I still find it difficult to wake up and drag myself outta the bed. Yucky. Tevan called me at 5.15am and I heard the thunder. I quickly washed up and rushed out of the house hoping to miss the rain. Well, I was really praying that God will hold the rain, as I was just 5 minutes away from Dell, the rain was pouring and there was no point to stop. I was wet and it was freezing cold to walk into the office. To my dismay, the rain stopped just before I reach my office.....

What else to write? Oh yeah, cant wait to go home on 21 May. been away for more than 3 months or more..I think this is the longest since I've not been home. Actually, I do not know who is reading my blog and I am sure its just a handful of people..Well...what the heck........

I am feeling SICK again................................

Reflection

Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my fam'ly's heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight
Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?



Hmm, this is one of my fav disney songs and it has been on my mind since I am reflecting about my life and what I should do about it.

Again and again, Im so confused and I am not sure what's my next step. Or I shall say I do not dare to take the action as I ought to. Despite many advises from friends who care, I'm stil holding on unto someth that doesnt belong to me.
Do I need to short change myself and put myself lower than any scum on earth? Can I accept the changes if I go ahead with my decision? I dont know.

Actually, I wish I have another option, another way out. At the moment I cant think of any but to retrieve, to step back. To entangled myself from the emotion web that I've caught myself into, I need a way out. I dunno how, would I just stay entangled and being eaten by big black Spidey? Or would i rather cut myself from the web and fall deep unto watever is down there.. I dunno...Yet, at this moment, I'm willing to do anyth drastic....As I am in deep pain....yes....a hurt taht not many can identify.........

Sigh...I wish I would not have to take the path that my mind is nagging me to take. I told myself, wait, its not time yet..Wait...a little more...just a little more...Just a little more ....

The more I waited, the more entangled I am in this web.....The more I struggle, the more I am entangled. All I want to do now, is just to be still..and think...
Wat's the next step...U see I'm contradicting myself again........Sigh...Just a little more time...

Do keep me in your prayers..I need it.....................

Sickly Weekend

The whole of last week has a lot of ups and downs or shall I say mostly down. So many things happening in work place and the shitty politics here in d(h)ell sucks big time. A friend just got terminated today simply without any good reason. Sigh. Sad for her. What can I do? Nothing but wishes all the best to her and learn from her to save my own ass here at d(h)ell.

Well, Aaron came to stay over at my place over the weekend as he was down in Pg for Cf camp. Glad to see him again and we were able to catch up on things. :) Had a fun time chatting with him. Well, the day didnt ended up so well, I actually wanted to bring him to see the nite life in Pg but then, I fell sick rite before dinner time. It all started with a chill and then a shiver. The shiver didnt stop for at least and hour and it was one of the worst experience I've had.

I couldnt take the shiver anymore cos I was having difficulty breathing and I called Cheryl to send me to teh doc. Aaron accompanied me as well, and he had to eat bread for dinner as I was not well enough to bring him makan. Really felt guilty about it. After taking my mediction, I fell asleep as I was having a temperature. Tevan called at 4.30 to chat and I was feeling better as the fever subsided.

The next day was better and we went to catch a movie in Bj as there was nothing to do. Was rather worried for my little bro. And it ache my heart to see him hurting. Guess we are in the same boat. Getting ourselves hurt over and over again even though we are aware of it but knowing the stubborn person tat I am, I am still holding unto the pain....Hmm, ever wondered a little cut hurts, but you wil keep on touching the wound just to feel the pain again..Ironic?

Well, I will start my week well this week. Nothing is going to screw my week, I dun care whether is QUeen of d(h)ell or who ever shit, Im going to have a good week.

Not a blue Monday

My shift started at 6 am today and imagine I had to get up at 5 am. Yes, a person like me who is used to sleeping only at 5 am finds it so difficult to wake up. I asked Tevan to wake me up and his timing was so good, when the alarm rang, I received a sms from him. I washed up and it was freezing cold in the morning.

I was so groggy and couldnt hear nyself properly. Then, Shakila and I went to Jln Tengah to haev breakfast. Basically, I had a pleasant day at work. With 3 more hours to go, I'm so happy man. Hehehe, lets see what else I will do during the evening.

Yesterday, my church had a fundraising for the Youth camp.The youth sold Korean food and I helped in selling Kim Chi soup. It was good and I managed to sell the whole pot. Not bad heh. Then we out with Rowena for dinner and we proceeded to BJ as she bought a new pair of Scholl Flexiwear for Joshua. Not too bad. Hehe..

Talked to Tevan on the phone when I came back and alaso this morning..:)

I cant wait to finish work actually.Oh Yeah, stephanie's last day today. She bought us chocolates..Yummy..

My weekend

My weekend was alrite and I spent it relaxing and doing nothing in particular.
I'm so used to waking up early and I just cant sleep through till afternoon. Hmm, maybe my room stil have no curtain yet.

Well, on Saturday, I went to uni hoping to get my degree letter and to my dimay, the clerkj refused to give me and asked me to come back on the 15. Told ehr my story and she said she will do it on Mon. I hope she has done it and I will go collect it after work. Then, went to service the motor and went for Vegetarian lunch with Sehley, my housemate. Didnt see him the whole week and was glad to be able to spend some time with him. Went shopping in Bj and realised he is a very shy person. He wont simply ask for price and it was funny to see his expression.

Saturday nite went to Tesco with Tevan. His bike had some problem and we spent more than half n hour trying to fix it. Being smart and logical, I managed to help him out a little..heheh...Perasan. Actually, didnt want to writ ethis down, but because Tevan mentioned that I will surely blog this down, so what the heck..:)

Oh yeah, we decided to cook dinner without a cooking stove as I;ve just settled in my new apartment. So we fried sausages in a tiny weeny rice cooker. We even fried sardine and also baked beans. WE toasted bread and had dinner at around 11.30 pm. Yummy, ate until so full and it was fun too...

Miss the baked beans so much til I went to buy one more can of it from Bj yesterday.

Galz day out

I dated Chooi Fong and Adeline for makan yesterday and WenBy tagged along. Well, we had a good time chatting and eating at Jelutong. I tried the porridge there and it was good. :)
After that, we went to my house to check it out since the two of them have not seen it before. After a short tour, we ended up sitting in my room and chatted til 1.30 am. I had to say, alrite girls, I'm working tomorrow and let's call it a day.

There were so many juicy stories to hear especially coming from the comical Wenby. There were so many conflicts and love triangle. It was really sad and frustrating to hear. Well, Adeline, Chooi Fong and I had a good time laughing at the time we shared during our CA times and Cameron's mission trip. I also invited them over for a slumber party. But then, I can only do it on a weekend.:)

It has been a long time since I last had a girlie talk. Hmm, it was fun. I would rather have just the 3 of us. Cos its difficult to share things with Wenby as she is just a junior. :)

Adeline came up with a Master Students CG. Interesting idea..

The Alarm clock

I fell asleep at about 2 am yesterday after dinner and supper with Tevan. I was awaken by a sms at 5.58 am and the sms read "Wake up and go and mandi la". I missed call to indicating yes, I am awake. Then, my house phone rang and I had to grab a blanket to wrap my semi naked condition to answer the call so I wont wake Shelley who was sleeping in his room. Argh, it was Tevan, waking me up. I told him in a very sleepy voice and said I will call him back in an hours time.

There, I climbed into my bed and pulled the blanket over and had my precious one hour of sleep. Woke up before my alarm rang and got ready in 7 mins. I received another sms at 7.01 asking me whether am I awake. Misscalled Tevan back and he called my house. We were just talking about his studies and suddenly I needed to chiibbaaboom...(my stomach hurts) And I said, I'll call u back in 3 mins.. I need to go..Faster faster.... (I will keep the details to myself :))

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to talk about my ride to work..Well, it takes me about 15-20 mins to ride to work. I will pass this stretch of coastal highway in a factory area. For those who knows your geography well, its in Bayan Lepas area. The coastal road is a long stretch with Pulau Jerejak as its main view and I'm like riding at the rim of the island. On a bright and sunny day, the sea glitters in various colours. Sometimes, I wish i can just stopm my bike and take a breather there, enjoying God's creation.

On rainy days, I was concentrating more on the slippery road rather than the sea. Hmm, you can see dark c;ouds hovering over the island and there are a few more small islands at the area. There is this particular stone which stood up above the rest. It looks like a small light house built on it. I am not sure what it is, but the thing jutting out abover the stone always caught my attention..:)

GEnerally, I do enjoy my ride to work, minus the congestion and rain..:)

Working still, and the time is passing so slowly. Ironic isnt it, when u are having fun, the time is simply so short..

My Ride to Work

I've been wanting to write about my ride to work but have to put it off everytime. Today was a hectic day just like yesterday as I;ve got calls non stop. Anyway, its 20 mins before I log off, and thot about blogging in.

I ride to work on a motorcycle. It has been raining for the past two weeks and it was really hard for me to go home or go to work. Praise God for his mercy, cos the rain was not always tat heavy when i ride home Thank God for the rain coat that Tevan gave to me.
Hmm, just got a screw up customer..Logging off in 7 mins. So guess I will continue my blog tmrw..

It's Saturday and I am Working

Yeah, u read it rite. I had to wake up at 6 in the morning for my 7 am shift. Had a long nite the nite before because it rained and Tevan couldnt go home. So he lepak in my house til about 4 am. And I was already exhausted, he had to ride back home in the rain. I feel so bad.

Well, I made so many blunders at work today. Passing wrong que and giving wrong info. Argh....
So frustrating... So many different kinda customers with different needs....and well, my brain not working today.Brain freeze already. SO freezing cold here..

Anyway, finally unpacked all my stuff in my new apartment. Phew, spent about 2 hours plus. Hehe, Tevan and I lepak in my room and thinking of ways to make my room more happening. He came out with a collage idea which we need to paste it on the ceiling...Hmm.. alot of work to be done. He also suggested getting a few more cabinets to put my books and tennis racquets..
Hmm, shall do some shopping today. Stil havent put up my curtain railing and i dun have a curtain yet.

Hmm, cant wait to go home and have a long sleep...a real long wan...

My Never Again List

Never again will I confess "I can't" for "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13

Never again will I confess lack, for "my God shall supply all of my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Never again will I confess fear, for "God hath not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." II Timothy 1:7

Never again will I confess doubt and lack of faith, for "God hath given to every man the measure of faith." Romans 12:3

Never again will I confess weakness for "The Lord is the strength of my life." Psalm 27:1

Never again will I confess defeat, for "God always causeth me to triumph in Christ Jesus." II Corinthians 2:14

Never again will I confess lack of wisdom, for "christ Jesus is made unto me wisdom from God." I Corinthians 1:30

Never again will I confess worries and frustrations, for I am "casting all my cares upon Him who careth for me." I Peter 5;7

Never again will I confess condemnation, for "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk aloneI walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me'
Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ahAh-ah,
Ah-ahI walk aloneI walk a...I

walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

In an Ice box

Sitting here facing the slow pc of DEll (Dont buy them) and in the freezing, with my stomach growling for food and my bladder screaming to be emptied every half and hour is just not where you want to be at the moment. I read a collegue's blog and this what she said. "I live in an igloo called (d)hell." Super funny.

I cant feel my fingers now and my toes also suffer the same fate. Hmm, call rates are high today. Hmm, again I transfered my last belongings of 31C-10-7 to 29-24-3 yesterday with Rowena. Phew, the both of us took so long to figure out how to place my furniture. We tried a few ways and was not satisfied. Then, we went to pick up CHsia's pc from her studio and went for dinner in Jelutong.

I just finish my last bite of lunch which Naginder (my collegue) bought for me. Hmm, very lazy wanna go out, so here I am blogging and wanted to take a short rest. Too tiring already. So many calls..

Anyway, where was I. Oh yeah, moving house. Tevan came later and he helped me rearrange my room. It was frustrating at first. I didnt know he is such a genius. Hahah, I always thought I was the smarter one. Any how, we agreed with the present arrangement with the help og my creativity and genius mind as well. Hmm, now I am satisfied.

Oh, did I mentioned that I was pissed with Tevan because he was supposed to help me shift yesterday but didnt make it due to the rain? We postponed to Wednesday. When I called him before I left for work, he told me he will be free only after 10. He has a dinner appointment it seems. I was dissapointed. He has not even help me carry a single thing during my transition from one home to another. Sigh, yes talking about disappointment.

Gave him the cold shoulders the whole time. Threw some of my clothes for him to hang and he was so cute, trying to 'pujuk' me. And me, being mean and heartless (which is totally not me, yeah rite:) ) didnt layan him so much. Just continue unpacking and carried the heavy boxes. Hehe, he just lie down on me and say come la...let's go for a drink.

And being sweet and nice, I went with him to kayu. I too lazy to merajuk...And we were just having our usual chat...which is never ending and never out of topic kinda chat..he told me about his ex gf..hehe...Oh yeah, he had dinner with his crush, Trinny. And well, tat was how the story of his ex begun..:)

It was interesting but I could hardly keep my eyes open..I had to tell him, hey lets go back. I am tired..

So tats all for the nite..

I have no time to lepak and dun have the stamina already..I need a life...Pls dun start work so soon...It sucks....minus the pay of course...

SunRise

I had a tough nite last nite. No. not that Pg has earthquake, it just that I rode hom in the heavy rain and congested road. It was my first time riding in the rain. Tiring and taxing. I went back to my new apartment and saw the mess. Argh.!!! Then my owner called and I had to rush back to my old apartment. I was so tired and had to entertain him. Took a quick shower and went back to new apartment and put my bag. Guess what?!! I forgot to bring my new apartment key and i had to put my bags outside the door. And there I go again back to my old apartment, took my fan and pillows. I was on my motor..Argh..I need a car. Give me a car LORD>!!!! hehehe..Desperate..

Anyhow, waited for another person to come see the old house. Packed Char keow tiaw, and ate at my old house. Went acbk to new apartment, and rearrange all the furniture. Took a shower. Put on the bedsheet and fell asleep. Slept aroubd 10.40pm. Tevan sms me asked me to go bowling at bj at aroaund 10. I was pissed...He was supposed to come adn help me out, but due to the rain in the evening, he didnt come..And he went bowling later with friends.

No matter how close you are with the person, u just cant haev too much of an expectation. I told myself not to be so petty, but then again, I was exhausted and was not in a good mood. So i sms him a kurang ajar sms..AS usual, whenever I'm angry, he just wont do anyth. Guys are so good with that. Damn.

Anyway, I woke up around 4 am cos I was shivering, off my room light and pulled the blanket over and fell asleep til my alarm rang. Off to work. I was greeted with a paranomic view of the penang bridge and to my surprise, I actually saw the sun rising. So cool. Wished I had a digi cam. I want a DIGI cam also Lord. (Hehe, thank God HE loves me for who I am)....
Oh yeah, i live on the 24th floor and second highest level of the apartment. Hmm, it has been raining these days, cant try out the pool.

I need to go home and transfer a few more things in my house. I hope this will be last tranfering of stuff. Im sick of shifting and packing. Guess I will spend my weekend unpacking my stuff..

MY new room is so nice..The slackes part of the whole place is the leift is super slow..

I want to go home..Still 1 hour and 15 more minutes to go before 6pm.

My day at work

I dont know why on Mondays, you will just feel extra crappy, extra moody, and extra not enough of sleep....argh...Monday blues they call it. How come all the good news only comes on a Fri and very seldom do u receive any good news on a Mon..Or a pay increament tat kinda thing.

My job is so bored and I am thankful that I'm going to be here temporarily only. I dont think I can survive too long in here. Its only my 2 week of work, and I already feel like packing my bag and rather sell nasi lemak on the road side.. (hmm, i wonder how much can i make)

Getting the headache..I think I'm over bored..My cubicle has 2 person only. Just me and Kevin. Naginder and Ching Ching on leave..And there is no one to talk too. Thank God for mns. At least I made two friends today. Joanne and Shakira.

Argh, counting my time to go back..There are so much to do....Need to unpacked some more and carry more stuff to my new place..
Cant wait to stay there actually.

Miss my mommy, dadddy, sisters and of course my doggies back home..thinking of rearing some fishes....hmmm wat do u say????

Good Friday

I started my day well, with more than enough of sleep the previous nite. I took Panadol menstrual to ease my monthly torture and phew, woke up at 6 am. Got ready and went to work. Everyone is in a good mood today because boss declared half day off due to the public holiday in Australia and NEw Zealand. The call rates today is low and we have a lot of time to chat and talk, and I even spent some time reading..

Called Tevan and wanted to give him a wake up call. Shucks, he was awake already. This whole week I've failed to disturb his sleep. Better luck tmrw maybe..Hehe, anyway, will be meeting up with him for supper.

Planned with sheley to go to our new apartment and cleaned the place up. I'm keen to do it so i can transfer my stuff from my old house over...Cant wait to have my own room..

My mum called to tell me something shocking and suprising. She said my dad might get me a new car. Fuyoo..I'm estatic. Of course, I didnt show any excitement to my mum. Hmm, even at a very young age, I'm so use dot empty promises and I still dont wnat to put much hope in it. But I put my trust in my heavenly Father as HE is a God who cannot lie. And HE doesnt dissapoint. Whether I get a car or not, I will still be contented with what my Daddy has already blessed me with.

To my daddy, I thank you for sending me the best-est gift of all....Jesus, to die on the cross for me and everyone else in the world.

Thank you Jesus.

Cheers

I've not been an avid blogger due to no internet connection in my home. Well, I hope to blog in as frequent as I can from now onwards since I'm working in Dell and I've got a pc to my own and can access to the net during my working hours.

Hmm, where should I begin. Let me start from uni.
Well, if u have noticed, the time before I actually finish uni was one of the most shallow moments in my life. I guess, its another transition period for me and its really tough now as every decision u make now, u'll have to face your own consequences. There is no one guiding you as u are "Adult" enough to have a say.

Hmm, its rather hard choosing between studying and working. A big part say, u need the money. And another part of me saying, hey, ur desire is to study some more..Phew, a lot of thinking was done and well, was rather emotional for the past few months. My deepest apologies for those who has to bear with my mood swings and intolerable attitudes. Thank you for caring and loving me just as i am and correct me when necessary...(Mr. Poseidon...thanks alot)

Wat else, I'm currently working Dell temporarily for a few months till I get a place to continue my master in Screen Studies in USm. The next intake will be in July. I hope to save up some money to pay my school fees and of course to get myself a laptop. SOmething which i've just thought about. Pls pray alongside with me for me to get a laptop. Need it for my studies.

Shifting to a new place soon and there are lots to do. The cleaning up of both old and new apartments. Then logistics. Then redecorating and etc. Phew..With 10 hours of working everyday, there is not much energy left. No time even to think what should I do for the next day.

Its sure been fun again, blogging...hehe...i know i;ve been long winded...do bear with me..

Losing it

Been some time since I last blog.
As time goes by, my fatith is diminshing. Went to church for a seminar yesterday and phew, cpuldnt sit there for an hour. When home half way through. It just feel so crappy. I think the feeling of guilt, unworthiness all came over me and I just cant be in the presence of Christians.

Shucks. I have lost the passion to be with God. And deep down inside me, I know I need him and even desire Him. But, something is stoping me. I feel so damn crappy and useless and I am beginning to loose my identity. Losing of what i had become and becoming a different person.

I do not blame anyone but myself. The expectations I had on others, and when they dissapoint me or even hurt me, there goes another wound that adds up and make me build more walls around me. I am phobia to expectaions now. whatever anyone expects me to do, i just cant perform anymore and dont want to do it. Aargh, graduating soon and its scarying me. I am not ready to go out. I am not ready to go anywhere.

If anyone is reading this, say a prayer for me...

got my nose pierced

When to Gurney Plaza all dressed up with my
fellow girl frens - Chin Hsia, Amanda and Cheryl
yesterday to celebrate's Chin Hsia's birthday.

They were telling me to buy more accessories for
myself to beautify myself. Anyway, asked Amanda
whethere she wanted to get her nose pierced? We
shook hand after she thought about it for a few
seconds.

After shopping for some clothes, Cheryl has to see
a shop with the sign Nose and Ear Piercing.
Shucks!! No turning back now.I was the first to get
my nose pierced after loosing 'paper, scissors,
stone' to Amanda. Phew. The pain just went tru ur
nose...and tears just formed in your eyes.

Now, there is this little stud sticking on ur nose
and it's blocking ur vision.Hahaha, y in the world
did i do it????? Not regretiing.. Just the irritating
pain on not being able to wash ur face properly or
even blow my freaking nose pisses me
off...hahahha..(To those who know me, i blow my
nose all the time, esp in the morn)

In a rather melancholic mood, so just entertaining
myself with this story....My nose still hurts..