Slept early

I have been sleeping rather early these days cos there is nothing to do and I've been feeling weak. WEll, took a swim last nite and had the whole pool to myself as it was around 8pm. It was a great place to soothe and relax my body and mind. Then, took a long shower and started changing channels of the tv set. There is nothing worth watching these days moreover I dont have ASTRO. ARgh....

Anyway, mum called and ask whether I will be going home this weekend. She doesn't know that working in d(h)ell means you will need to work on a Public hol. Sigh sigh. I hope to be bakc this weekend. I'm not sure. Hmmm, let's just hope I can go back soon.

WEll, I'm having the pulling feeling on my head again. Sigh sigh..I'm not sure whether its the inconsistency of my working hours, staring at the pc too long or listening on the headphone for 9 hours. I really need to find out as I dun want my headache to get worst.

My Big Boss just came..MD of DEll...hehhehee....Dun care la .... And I heard it's raining heavy outside..:) yeah yeah...Hope by the time I go back, it will be dry already..So I wont need to get wet.

Got soaked in da rain

Weather: Cold all day long ( d(h)ell Igloo )

I slept real early last nite as I was not feeling well. I'm not sure what's been going on with me. Been so sick....Either kena jangkit frm Shakila....(lol) or simply I'm over exhausted with work. Been having this funny headache which comes and goes and I just dont want to take any medication as I dont want to be addicted to Panadols.

Hmm, waking at 5.10 am in the morning has been a norm even though I still find it difficult to wake up and drag myself outta the bed. Yucky. Tevan called me at 5.15am and I heard the thunder. I quickly washed up and rushed out of the house hoping to miss the rain. Well, I was really praying that God will hold the rain, as I was just 5 minutes away from Dell, the rain was pouring and there was no point to stop. I was wet and it was freezing cold to walk into the office. To my dismay, the rain stopped just before I reach my office.....

What else to write? Oh yeah, cant wait to go home on 21 May. been away for more than 3 months or more..I think this is the longest since I've not been home. Actually, I do not know who is reading my blog and I am sure its just a handful of people..Well...what the heck........

I am feeling SICK again................................

Reflection

Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my fam'ly's heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight
Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?



Hmm, this is one of my fav disney songs and it has been on my mind since I am reflecting about my life and what I should do about it.

Again and again, Im so confused and I am not sure what's my next step. Or I shall say I do not dare to take the action as I ought to. Despite many advises from friends who care, I'm stil holding on unto someth that doesnt belong to me.
Do I need to short change myself and put myself lower than any scum on earth? Can I accept the changes if I go ahead with my decision? I dont know.

Actually, I wish I have another option, another way out. At the moment I cant think of any but to retrieve, to step back. To entangled myself from the emotion web that I've caught myself into, I need a way out. I dunno how, would I just stay entangled and being eaten by big black Spidey? Or would i rather cut myself from the web and fall deep unto watever is down there.. I dunno...Yet, at this moment, I'm willing to do anyth drastic....As I am in deep pain....yes....a hurt taht not many can identify.........

Sigh...I wish I would not have to take the path that my mind is nagging me to take. I told myself, wait, its not time yet..Wait...a little more...just a little more...Just a little more ....

The more I waited, the more entangled I am in this web.....The more I struggle, the more I am entangled. All I want to do now, is just to be still..and think...
Wat's the next step...U see I'm contradicting myself again........Sigh...Just a little more time...

Do keep me in your prayers..I need it.....................

Sickly Weekend

The whole of last week has a lot of ups and downs or shall I say mostly down. So many things happening in work place and the shitty politics here in d(h)ell sucks big time. A friend just got terminated today simply without any good reason. Sigh. Sad for her. What can I do? Nothing but wishes all the best to her and learn from her to save my own ass here at d(h)ell.

Well, Aaron came to stay over at my place over the weekend as he was down in Pg for Cf camp. Glad to see him again and we were able to catch up on things. :) Had a fun time chatting with him. Well, the day didnt ended up so well, I actually wanted to bring him to see the nite life in Pg but then, I fell sick rite before dinner time. It all started with a chill and then a shiver. The shiver didnt stop for at least and hour and it was one of the worst experience I've had.

I couldnt take the shiver anymore cos I was having difficulty breathing and I called Cheryl to send me to teh doc. Aaron accompanied me as well, and he had to eat bread for dinner as I was not well enough to bring him makan. Really felt guilty about it. After taking my mediction, I fell asleep as I was having a temperature. Tevan called at 4.30 to chat and I was feeling better as the fever subsided.

The next day was better and we went to catch a movie in Bj as there was nothing to do. Was rather worried for my little bro. And it ache my heart to see him hurting. Guess we are in the same boat. Getting ourselves hurt over and over again even though we are aware of it but knowing the stubborn person tat I am, I am still holding unto the pain....Hmm, ever wondered a little cut hurts, but you wil keep on touching the wound just to feel the pain again..Ironic?

Well, I will start my week well this week. Nothing is going to screw my week, I dun care whether is QUeen of d(h)ell or who ever shit, Im going to have a good week.

Not a blue Monday

My shift started at 6 am today and imagine I had to get up at 5 am. Yes, a person like me who is used to sleeping only at 5 am finds it so difficult to wake up. I asked Tevan to wake me up and his timing was so good, when the alarm rang, I received a sms from him. I washed up and it was freezing cold in the morning.

I was so groggy and couldnt hear nyself properly. Then, Shakila and I went to Jln Tengah to haev breakfast. Basically, I had a pleasant day at work. With 3 more hours to go, I'm so happy man. Hehehe, lets see what else I will do during the evening.

Yesterday, my church had a fundraising for the Youth camp.The youth sold Korean food and I helped in selling Kim Chi soup. It was good and I managed to sell the whole pot. Not bad heh. Then we out with Rowena for dinner and we proceeded to BJ as she bought a new pair of Scholl Flexiwear for Joshua. Not too bad. Hehe..

Talked to Tevan on the phone when I came back and alaso this morning..:)

I cant wait to finish work actually.Oh Yeah, stephanie's last day today. She bought us chocolates..Yummy..

My weekend

My weekend was alrite and I spent it relaxing and doing nothing in particular.
I'm so used to waking up early and I just cant sleep through till afternoon. Hmm, maybe my room stil have no curtain yet.

Well, on Saturday, I went to uni hoping to get my degree letter and to my dimay, the clerkj refused to give me and asked me to come back on the 15. Told ehr my story and she said she will do it on Mon. I hope she has done it and I will go collect it after work. Then, went to service the motor and went for Vegetarian lunch with Sehley, my housemate. Didnt see him the whole week and was glad to be able to spend some time with him. Went shopping in Bj and realised he is a very shy person. He wont simply ask for price and it was funny to see his expression.

Saturday nite went to Tesco with Tevan. His bike had some problem and we spent more than half n hour trying to fix it. Being smart and logical, I managed to help him out a little..heheh...Perasan. Actually, didnt want to writ ethis down, but because Tevan mentioned that I will surely blog this down, so what the heck..:)

Oh yeah, we decided to cook dinner without a cooking stove as I;ve just settled in my new apartment. So we fried sausages in a tiny weeny rice cooker. We even fried sardine and also baked beans. WE toasted bread and had dinner at around 11.30 pm. Yummy, ate until so full and it was fun too...

Miss the baked beans so much til I went to buy one more can of it from Bj yesterday.

Galz day out

I dated Chooi Fong and Adeline for makan yesterday and WenBy tagged along. Well, we had a good time chatting and eating at Jelutong. I tried the porridge there and it was good. :)
After that, we went to my house to check it out since the two of them have not seen it before. After a short tour, we ended up sitting in my room and chatted til 1.30 am. I had to say, alrite girls, I'm working tomorrow and let's call it a day.

There were so many juicy stories to hear especially coming from the comical Wenby. There were so many conflicts and love triangle. It was really sad and frustrating to hear. Well, Adeline, Chooi Fong and I had a good time laughing at the time we shared during our CA times and Cameron's mission trip. I also invited them over for a slumber party. But then, I can only do it on a weekend.:)

It has been a long time since I last had a girlie talk. Hmm, it was fun. I would rather have just the 3 of us. Cos its difficult to share things with Wenby as she is just a junior. :)

Adeline came up with a Master Students CG. Interesting idea..

The Alarm clock

I fell asleep at about 2 am yesterday after dinner and supper with Tevan. I was awaken by a sms at 5.58 am and the sms read "Wake up and go and mandi la". I missed call to indicating yes, I am awake. Then, my house phone rang and I had to grab a blanket to wrap my semi naked condition to answer the call so I wont wake Shelley who was sleeping in his room. Argh, it was Tevan, waking me up. I told him in a very sleepy voice and said I will call him back in an hours time.

There, I climbed into my bed and pulled the blanket over and had my precious one hour of sleep. Woke up before my alarm rang and got ready in 7 mins. I received another sms at 7.01 asking me whether am I awake. Misscalled Tevan back and he called my house. We were just talking about his studies and suddenly I needed to chiibbaaboom...(my stomach hurts) And I said, I'll call u back in 3 mins.. I need to go..Faster faster.... (I will keep the details to myself :))

Oh yeah, I'm supposed to talk about my ride to work..Well, it takes me about 15-20 mins to ride to work. I will pass this stretch of coastal highway in a factory area. For those who knows your geography well, its in Bayan Lepas area. The coastal road is a long stretch with Pulau Jerejak as its main view and I'm like riding at the rim of the island. On a bright and sunny day, the sea glitters in various colours. Sometimes, I wish i can just stopm my bike and take a breather there, enjoying God's creation.

On rainy days, I was concentrating more on the slippery road rather than the sea. Hmm, you can see dark c;ouds hovering over the island and there are a few more small islands at the area. There is this particular stone which stood up above the rest. It looks like a small light house built on it. I am not sure what it is, but the thing jutting out abover the stone always caught my attention..:)

GEnerally, I do enjoy my ride to work, minus the congestion and rain..:)

Working still, and the time is passing so slowly. Ironic isnt it, when u are having fun, the time is simply so short..

My Ride to Work

I've been wanting to write about my ride to work but have to put it off everytime. Today was a hectic day just like yesterday as I;ve got calls non stop. Anyway, its 20 mins before I log off, and thot about blogging in.

I ride to work on a motorcycle. It has been raining for the past two weeks and it was really hard for me to go home or go to work. Praise God for his mercy, cos the rain was not always tat heavy when i ride home Thank God for the rain coat that Tevan gave to me.
Hmm, just got a screw up customer..Logging off in 7 mins. So guess I will continue my blog tmrw..

It's Saturday and I am Working

Yeah, u read it rite. I had to wake up at 6 in the morning for my 7 am shift. Had a long nite the nite before because it rained and Tevan couldnt go home. So he lepak in my house til about 4 am. And I was already exhausted, he had to ride back home in the rain. I feel so bad.

Well, I made so many blunders at work today. Passing wrong que and giving wrong info. Argh....
So frustrating... So many different kinda customers with different needs....and well, my brain not working today.Brain freeze already. SO freezing cold here..

Anyway, finally unpacked all my stuff in my new apartment. Phew, spent about 2 hours plus. Hehe, Tevan and I lepak in my room and thinking of ways to make my room more happening. He came out with a collage idea which we need to paste it on the ceiling...Hmm.. alot of work to be done. He also suggested getting a few more cabinets to put my books and tennis racquets..
Hmm, shall do some shopping today. Stil havent put up my curtain railing and i dun have a curtain yet.

Hmm, cant wait to go home and have a long sleep...a real long wan...

My Never Again List

Never again will I confess "I can't" for "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13

Never again will I confess lack, for "my God shall supply all of my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Never again will I confess fear, for "God hath not given me the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." II Timothy 1:7

Never again will I confess doubt and lack of faith, for "God hath given to every man the measure of faith." Romans 12:3

Never again will I confess weakness for "The Lord is the strength of my life." Psalm 27:1

Never again will I confess defeat, for "God always causeth me to triumph in Christ Jesus." II Corinthians 2:14

Never again will I confess lack of wisdom, for "christ Jesus is made unto me wisdom from God." I Corinthians 1:30

Never again will I confess worries and frustrations, for I am "casting all my cares upon Him who careth for me." I Peter 5;7

Never again will I confess condemnation, for "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk aloneI walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me'
Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ahAh-ah,
Ah-ahI walk aloneI walk a...I

walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

In an Ice box

Sitting here facing the slow pc of DEll (Dont buy them) and in the freezing, with my stomach growling for food and my bladder screaming to be emptied every half and hour is just not where you want to be at the moment. I read a collegue's blog and this what she said. "I live in an igloo called (d)hell." Super funny.

I cant feel my fingers now and my toes also suffer the same fate. Hmm, call rates are high today. Hmm, again I transfered my last belongings of 31C-10-7 to 29-24-3 yesterday with Rowena. Phew, the both of us took so long to figure out how to place my furniture. We tried a few ways and was not satisfied. Then, we went to pick up CHsia's pc from her studio and went for dinner in Jelutong.

I just finish my last bite of lunch which Naginder (my collegue) bought for me. Hmm, very lazy wanna go out, so here I am blogging and wanted to take a short rest. Too tiring already. So many calls..

Anyway, where was I. Oh yeah, moving house. Tevan came later and he helped me rearrange my room. It was frustrating at first. I didnt know he is such a genius. Hahah, I always thought I was the smarter one. Any how, we agreed with the present arrangement with the help og my creativity and genius mind as well. Hmm, now I am satisfied.

Oh, did I mentioned that I was pissed with Tevan because he was supposed to help me shift yesterday but didnt make it due to the rain? We postponed to Wednesday. When I called him before I left for work, he told me he will be free only after 10. He has a dinner appointment it seems. I was dissapointed. He has not even help me carry a single thing during my transition from one home to another. Sigh, yes talking about disappointment.

Gave him the cold shoulders the whole time. Threw some of my clothes for him to hang and he was so cute, trying to 'pujuk' me. And me, being mean and heartless (which is totally not me, yeah rite:) ) didnt layan him so much. Just continue unpacking and carried the heavy boxes. Hehe, he just lie down on me and say come la...let's go for a drink.

And being sweet and nice, I went with him to kayu. I too lazy to merajuk...And we were just having our usual chat...which is never ending and never out of topic kinda chat..he told me about his ex gf..hehe...Oh yeah, he had dinner with his crush, Trinny. And well, tat was how the story of his ex begun..:)

It was interesting but I could hardly keep my eyes open..I had to tell him, hey lets go back. I am tired..

So tats all for the nite..

I have no time to lepak and dun have the stamina already..I need a life...Pls dun start work so soon...It sucks....minus the pay of course...

SunRise

I had a tough nite last nite. No. not that Pg has earthquake, it just that I rode hom in the heavy rain and congested road. It was my first time riding in the rain. Tiring and taxing. I went back to my new apartment and saw the mess. Argh.!!! Then my owner called and I had to rush back to my old apartment. I was so tired and had to entertain him. Took a quick shower and went back to new apartment and put my bag. Guess what?!! I forgot to bring my new apartment key and i had to put my bags outside the door. And there I go again back to my old apartment, took my fan and pillows. I was on my motor..Argh..I need a car. Give me a car LORD>!!!! hehehe..Desperate..

Anyhow, waited for another person to come see the old house. Packed Char keow tiaw, and ate at my old house. Went acbk to new apartment, and rearrange all the furniture. Took a shower. Put on the bedsheet and fell asleep. Slept aroubd 10.40pm. Tevan sms me asked me to go bowling at bj at aroaund 10. I was pissed...He was supposed to come adn help me out, but due to the rain in the evening, he didnt come..And he went bowling later with friends.

No matter how close you are with the person, u just cant haev too much of an expectation. I told myself not to be so petty, but then again, I was exhausted and was not in a good mood. So i sms him a kurang ajar sms..AS usual, whenever I'm angry, he just wont do anyth. Guys are so good with that. Damn.

Anyway, I woke up around 4 am cos I was shivering, off my room light and pulled the blanket over and fell asleep til my alarm rang. Off to work. I was greeted with a paranomic view of the penang bridge and to my surprise, I actually saw the sun rising. So cool. Wished I had a digi cam. I want a DIGI cam also Lord. (Hehe, thank God HE loves me for who I am)....
Oh yeah, i live on the 24th floor and second highest level of the apartment. Hmm, it has been raining these days, cant try out the pool.

I need to go home and transfer a few more things in my house. I hope this will be last tranfering of stuff. Im sick of shifting and packing. Guess I will spend my weekend unpacking my stuff..

MY new room is so nice..The slackes part of the whole place is the leift is super slow..

I want to go home..Still 1 hour and 15 more minutes to go before 6pm.

My day at work

I dont know why on Mondays, you will just feel extra crappy, extra moody, and extra not enough of sleep....argh...Monday blues they call it. How come all the good news only comes on a Fri and very seldom do u receive any good news on a Mon..Or a pay increament tat kinda thing.

My job is so bored and I am thankful that I'm going to be here temporarily only. I dont think I can survive too long in here. Its only my 2 week of work, and I already feel like packing my bag and rather sell nasi lemak on the road side.. (hmm, i wonder how much can i make)

Getting the headache..I think I'm over bored..My cubicle has 2 person only. Just me and Kevin. Naginder and Ching Ching on leave..And there is no one to talk too. Thank God for mns. At least I made two friends today. Joanne and Shakira.

Argh, counting my time to go back..There are so much to do....Need to unpacked some more and carry more stuff to my new place..
Cant wait to stay there actually.

Miss my mommy, dadddy, sisters and of course my doggies back home..thinking of rearing some fishes....hmmm wat do u say????

Good Friday

I started my day well, with more than enough of sleep the previous nite. I took Panadol menstrual to ease my monthly torture and phew, woke up at 6 am. Got ready and went to work. Everyone is in a good mood today because boss declared half day off due to the public holiday in Australia and NEw Zealand. The call rates today is low and we have a lot of time to chat and talk, and I even spent some time reading..

Called Tevan and wanted to give him a wake up call. Shucks, he was awake already. This whole week I've failed to disturb his sleep. Better luck tmrw maybe..Hehe, anyway, will be meeting up with him for supper.

Planned with sheley to go to our new apartment and cleaned the place up. I'm keen to do it so i can transfer my stuff from my old house over...Cant wait to have my own room..

My mum called to tell me something shocking and suprising. She said my dad might get me a new car. Fuyoo..I'm estatic. Of course, I didnt show any excitement to my mum. Hmm, even at a very young age, I'm so use dot empty promises and I still dont wnat to put much hope in it. But I put my trust in my heavenly Father as HE is a God who cannot lie. And HE doesnt dissapoint. Whether I get a car or not, I will still be contented with what my Daddy has already blessed me with.

To my daddy, I thank you for sending me the best-est gift of all....Jesus, to die on the cross for me and everyone else in the world.

Thank you Jesus.

Cheers

I've not been an avid blogger due to no internet connection in my home. Well, I hope to blog in as frequent as I can from now onwards since I'm working in Dell and I've got a pc to my own and can access to the net during my working hours.

Hmm, where should I begin. Let me start from uni.
Well, if u have noticed, the time before I actually finish uni was one of the most shallow moments in my life. I guess, its another transition period for me and its really tough now as every decision u make now, u'll have to face your own consequences. There is no one guiding you as u are "Adult" enough to have a say.

Hmm, its rather hard choosing between studying and working. A big part say, u need the money. And another part of me saying, hey, ur desire is to study some more..Phew, a lot of thinking was done and well, was rather emotional for the past few months. My deepest apologies for those who has to bear with my mood swings and intolerable attitudes. Thank you for caring and loving me just as i am and correct me when necessary...(Mr. Poseidon...thanks alot)

Wat else, I'm currently working Dell temporarily for a few months till I get a place to continue my master in Screen Studies in USm. The next intake will be in July. I hope to save up some money to pay my school fees and of course to get myself a laptop. SOmething which i've just thought about. Pls pray alongside with me for me to get a laptop. Need it for my studies.

Shifting to a new place soon and there are lots to do. The cleaning up of both old and new apartments. Then logistics. Then redecorating and etc. Phew..With 10 hours of working everyday, there is not much energy left. No time even to think what should I do for the next day.

Its sure been fun again, blogging...hehe...i know i;ve been long winded...do bear with me..

Losing it

Been some time since I last blog.
As time goes by, my fatith is diminshing. Went to church for a seminar yesterday and phew, cpuldnt sit there for an hour. When home half way through. It just feel so crappy. I think the feeling of guilt, unworthiness all came over me and I just cant be in the presence of Christians.

Shucks. I have lost the passion to be with God. And deep down inside me, I know I need him and even desire Him. But, something is stoping me. I feel so damn crappy and useless and I am beginning to loose my identity. Losing of what i had become and becoming a different person.

I do not blame anyone but myself. The expectations I had on others, and when they dissapoint me or even hurt me, there goes another wound that adds up and make me build more walls around me. I am phobia to expectaions now. whatever anyone expects me to do, i just cant perform anymore and dont want to do it. Aargh, graduating soon and its scarying me. I am not ready to go out. I am not ready to go anywhere.

If anyone is reading this, say a prayer for me...

got my nose pierced

When to Gurney Plaza all dressed up with my
fellow girl frens - Chin Hsia, Amanda and Cheryl
yesterday to celebrate's Chin Hsia's birthday.

They were telling me to buy more accessories for
myself to beautify myself. Anyway, asked Amanda
whethere she wanted to get her nose pierced? We
shook hand after she thought about it for a few
seconds.

After shopping for some clothes, Cheryl has to see
a shop with the sign Nose and Ear Piercing.
Shucks!! No turning back now.I was the first to get
my nose pierced after loosing 'paper, scissors,
stone' to Amanda. Phew. The pain just went tru ur
nose...and tears just formed in your eyes.

Now, there is this little stud sticking on ur nose
and it's blocking ur vision.Hahaha, y in the world
did i do it????? Not regretiing.. Just the irritating
pain on not being able to wash ur face properly or
even blow my freaking nose pisses me
off...hahahha..(To those who know me, i blow my
nose all the time, esp in the morn)

In a rather melancholic mood, so just entertaining
myself with this story....My nose still hurts..

I am normal

As I browse through Mike's blog in xanga http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=micwill, I realised that I am normal. That I can question God in times of doubt, and well, living a Christian life and believing in a God is so difficult sometimes. I am glad, I went through I did, knowing and questioning a God whom despite all unbelief still believes and take interest in me.

Well, FES has indeed imparted something in my life. I am touched by the way they reaches out to the students in a personal way. They see us students as friends, and not some follower uper style which made the students feel inferior. And well, I personally befriended Michael William, Annette and Yoke Yee. I am sure they are genuinely concern about me when I talk to them. So, i will never hesitate to give them a call or when I am in need of a hearing ear, they will be first on my list.

Just want to thank each one of them who has invested their lives in us, students.
Love u guys much