Losing it

Been some time since I last blog.
As time goes by, my fatith is diminshing. Went to church for a seminar yesterday and phew, cpuldnt sit there for an hour. When home half way through. It just feel so crappy. I think the feeling of guilt, unworthiness all came over me and I just cant be in the presence of Christians.

Shucks. I have lost the passion to be with God. And deep down inside me, I know I need him and even desire Him. But, something is stoping me. I feel so damn crappy and useless and I am beginning to loose my identity. Losing of what i had become and becoming a different person.

I do not blame anyone but myself. The expectations I had on others, and when they dissapoint me or even hurt me, there goes another wound that adds up and make me build more walls around me. I am phobia to expectaions now. whatever anyone expects me to do, i just cant perform anymore and dont want to do it. Aargh, graduating soon and its scarying me. I am not ready to go out. I am not ready to go anywhere.

If anyone is reading this, say a prayer for me...

got my nose pierced

When to Gurney Plaza all dressed up with my
fellow girl frens - Chin Hsia, Amanda and Cheryl
yesterday to celebrate's Chin Hsia's birthday.

They were telling me to buy more accessories for
myself to beautify myself. Anyway, asked Amanda
whethere she wanted to get her nose pierced? We
shook hand after she thought about it for a few
seconds.

After shopping for some clothes, Cheryl has to see
a shop with the sign Nose and Ear Piercing.
Shucks!! No turning back now.I was the first to get
my nose pierced after loosing 'paper, scissors,
stone' to Amanda. Phew. The pain just went tru ur
nose...and tears just formed in your eyes.

Now, there is this little stud sticking on ur nose
and it's blocking ur vision.Hahaha, y in the world
did i do it????? Not regretiing.. Just the irritating
pain on not being able to wash ur face properly or
even blow my freaking nose pisses me
off...hahahha..(To those who know me, i blow my
nose all the time, esp in the morn)

In a rather melancholic mood, so just entertaining
myself with this story....My nose still hurts..

I am normal

As I browse through Mike's blog in xanga http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=micwill, I realised that I am normal. That I can question God in times of doubt, and well, living a Christian life and believing in a God is so difficult sometimes. I am glad, I went through I did, knowing and questioning a God whom despite all unbelief still believes and take interest in me.

Well, FES has indeed imparted something in my life. I am touched by the way they reaches out to the students in a personal way. They see us students as friends, and not some follower uper style which made the students feel inferior. And well, I personally befriended Michael William, Annette and Yoke Yee. I am sure they are genuinely concern about me when I talk to them. So, i will never hesitate to give them a call or when I am in need of a hearing ear, they will be first on my list.

Just want to thank each one of them who has invested their lives in us, students.
Love u guys much

Coming to an end

Time seems to fly as 2005 is approaching. As I sit here in the cc, while waiting for Cheryl and Jess, thinking to myself, boy it has been ages since I last blog. My blog page looks so blank compared to Aaron's and Andrew's. Must get the guys to teach me on how to beautify my page.

For the past 2 months has been rather a tough month for me to go trough. The thot of graduating in 2 more months scares the hell out of me. It felt like yesterday when I first step foot in USM. Now, Its time for me to go and leave my students life. Argh, how I wished, I;ve not skipped that many classes. Joined more activities, get to knoe more friends and well just enjoy uni life.

Some people has asked me, what have I impacted in the lives of others in my 3 years stay in PG. I couldnt really answer. I guess, i left them with the beauty of sign language. Besides that, I'm also a frank and straight forward person. I left them with this bubbly character and the contagious laughter of mine.

As I am writing this, my heart is heavy and filled with sadness as I know, all this will haev to go.there is a season and time for eevrything. The friends I've met, the things ive done. I will never trade anytth for this experience.

Hmm.....I am definately gonna miss my time here.

Lord, I know that you will direct each step that I take. I pray that you will lead me and guide me....In you i out my trust and my future.

mission trip

Greetings from Melaka,
The 11 of us are settled in Melaka and everything has been going on smoothly. Waiting for Samuel to come tmrw nite. First testimony to share, 7 of us do not have passport and we needed to make group passport. When we went to the immigration office on Friday morning, after finishing camp in camerons, we were shocked to find out that we neeed 5 working days to get the group passport done. Phew, imagine our dissapointment. If we make individual it will only take 2 days, tat is we can collect it the next day. Imagine 7 x Rm 300=RM 2100.. It doesnt make sense.. and it cost RM 200 only for group passport. We decided to take the risk and went ahead with making the passport.
Then, after much persuasion to the officers, they stil tak layan us. Shen Yee and Chooi FOong went to speak to the assistant pengarah and he asked us to write an appeal letter. Rushed aback to my church and type a letter. SHen Yee and I wnet back ti immigration office and went to see PEngarah straight. He scolded us la..And he told us he can only give us one day earlier...tats its on Tuesday..Phew..Wat difference does it make.We plan to leave on Monday. Then the assistant Pengarah came and said, its ok, they came earlier..Give them on Monday..So he said we were lucky to meet the assistant. Both Shen Yee adn I were excited and relieved. Yet God surprised us even more. THe assistant asked us to wait for 5 mins and he gave us the group passport on the spot. We were amazed how God works.. Heheh, we not only dun have to go back to immigration office but we got it straight..
This is the first testimony. It's not going to be the last and tat I am sure..:)
Please keep us all in prayers. Even as the group members trying to live and get to know each other is not easy. Pray for protection and may GOd use us to touch ppl, set captives free, and most of all know the Love of Christ.
Our motto or theme for this mision trip is EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.
Nov 1- Nov 5 we will be in Dumai...
At His service,
Elina Goh

Sleeping too much

My face has been bloated and all my engine in my body seems to be in a hibernating mode. A once active going girl, suddenly became so passive and its so weird la.:)
Anyway, been over sleeping and my sleeping time is so chaotic I shall say..:) Haha, becoming the creature of the nite and sleep in the day time.. No matter how much u sleep in the day time, u dun seem to be able to catch up on your sleep..I wonder why?

Now looking and scanning tru my notes for my exam paper tmrw and I am so not preapred. Guess, as time goes by, exam adn grades doent seem important to u anymore..

Well, I slept at 6 am in the morn last nite, chatting with Teavn and well, we always have deep conversation and it was good. Had vegetarian CharHo fun and we were just talking about our fears, our struggles and basically, all the crap we went through.. Good conversation.

Another thing my friend Aaron said to me was very sweet and I can remember till today..:) Thanks Aaron for loving me the way I am..
Alrite, got a mission trip meeting and briefing soon. Just killing some time here. I miss home and my doggies..Alot..

Boring Week

My study week has just gone like that with me sleeping my life away. Literaly, I slept my life away. Sleep about 2 am and wake up like 4 pm. And sleep again at 6pm and wake up at 8 pm. Its been like tat since one week ago.. Yes, I am getting rounder and so not productive. M Not studying like I need to.

Guess my rajinness of this sem just crumbled at the end of the sem la. Darn..:)
Well, hope to be cathing up with my studies soon, if not will have to extend my course whcih means i will not graduate like the rest of my friends..

Super bored still. Sleep til i have headache

No strength tp go on

Sometimes I feel that I've got no strength to carry on anymore. Not even say a word of prayer for my sister, my family and those around me. I feel like hopeless case whcih God has wasted so much time and effort on. And look at me, rotting away with the little hope that I've left.

Got an sms from Ed asking me to pray for my sister as she was angry with my parents. I dunno what is going on back home and I rather not know sometimes. The cross and burden that I'm called to carry is too much to bear and many a time I just feel like giving up. And yet, the thing inside me said. No!!! Not Yet, Another Mile Maybe.

These few days with the peace and quiet I had, cos most of my housemates went back to their hometown n left me alone with Jess who is always in her room. Is it worth the pain and hurt I go through everytime I receive a bad news? Everyttime when I think I am heading the rite way, and there it goes..Wham..!! another bad news coming ur way...

People are expecting me to do someht about it..My sister, family and all..All the expectation ppl set on me..I dun think I can handle it anymore..I am going bonkers..If u happen to read this, pls say a prayer for me, cos i can mutter a word of prayer...

Sunday

Its Sunday and well, wish I could just sleep for hours....But Chin Hsia had to wake me up cos she is so clumsy when she wakes up in the morning..:) Hahahah...she tripped on me... ARGGHHHH

Well, many things had happened tru out the week..Like I lost my stupid short story and i cant find it...The best part of it is that i have to pass up on Thursday...CRap...

Ok la.Tevan is giving me the look now..better get of his pc...or else he will skin me alive...hahahah

Elina Is the Cutest Still!!!!!!

Tevan

I have not been this happy in a long time.
I want to write about my friend Tevan whom I've got to know
through Cheryl and well, he has been a blessing to me personally.
Tevan and I share a deep friendship and we have been open and
honest to each other since day one.

Well, what he has taught me in the friendship is that physical appearance
is not the only thing a guy looks for. Yes, i noe this in theory but have not
seen it in practical. He has shown me that physicall beauty is not everything.
It has been a great adventure for us cos we are learning so much from each other.
The things we do, and of course the things we talked about, it has always benefited
me.

Hmm, just wanted to do a write up on Tevan and the friendship that I share with him
I also want to remember the mountain metophorical theory he said about me.
My times in Penang will never be the same without Tevan..
:)

I want to grow old with you

I Want To Grow Old With You

I wanna make you smile,
Whenever you're sad, Carry you around
When you're arthritis is bad
All I wanna do, Is grow old with you
I'll get you're medicine,
When you're tummy aches,
Build you a fire I
f the furnace breaks
Oh, it could be so nice,
Growin' old with you
I'll miss you, Kiss you,
Give you my coat
When you are cold
I'll need you, Feed you,
Even let you hold
The remote control
So let me do the dishes
In our kitchen sink,
Put you to bed
When you've had
too much to drink

Ohhhh, I could be the man,
Who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Angelica

I have not written about Angelica Eshwarie Smith, my God daughter. Yes, she is 8 months old and I am missing her.

Being a cutie, she looks like the Michellin logo..Remember the white Tyre Guy with a lot of layers? that's Angel with all her baby fats all over..Hahah..So cute..

Hmm, I am not sure how to bring uo my god-daughter and I hope to be the best example to her. Well, with God's grace, I do hope i will have a fantastic relationship with her. As a friend, a god-mum and of course a person she can trust and depend on at all times..

I miss you Angel..:)

A rather Quiet day

Today has been a rather quiet there. It all started at 1 pm where I had my creative writting test. So the whole class was quiet and no one said a word or else we will get the stare from Robert Raymer my lecturer.

Then the next class was cinematography...Two groups did presentation on Jean-Luc Godard's A woman is a woman movie. Yeah, everyone was quiet cos the presentation was really boring. That's the end of the whole day's class.

Went for tennis with Jess-Mim and it started to rain. We couldnt continue and left for home. After mandi, we went for dinner. Then, the whole house is quiet now cos Tevan and Geeta are not here in my apartment. Cheryl is out for meeting again and Chin Hsia is forever taking her beauty sleep. Jess mim in her secluded room and left me all alone in the hall...listening to WOW worship and just enjoying the peace and quiet around here..

Now, I am beginning to realize the importance of good frens in your life. I used to think that ppl just take u for granted at times....but I praise God for giving me so many good friends in my life to love me, rebuke me, teach me, encourage me, and for me to run too.....Thank you for Friends Lord..:)

Saturday

I slept at 5 am last nite, just chatting with room mate. Well, when I woke up at 1 pm this afternoon, no one was home except Cherly who is sleeping. She just left the house for practise.

Here I am home alone with the cd playing on the pc. Actually, I do enjoy the peace and quiet sometimes..Despite being a Saturday, I am fine staying at home and maybe i am getting older..hehe....not much of going out these days..Just sit at home and watch some DVDs.:)

Hmm, I am working on a short story which I need to hand in on Mon. Hehe, just started and it's not even one page...Too lazy to continue and here I am blogging away.

I am not sure how many actually reads my blog and its also not my intention for ppl to read it..I just write and I guess I am better in expressing myself in writing..:)

Yeah, in one of my moods again...the thing of being alone sometimes...makes u like this...

:) Saturday nite....watching PAssion of Christ in the cinema later...dunno how my fren got the ticket but i am going anyway...
Cioaz

Ending of Semester

Time just flies and you didnt even feel it passing by. Phew, my last 2 weeks of lectures and that is it for this semester. Had been doing many things over the course of one month and tats how long i didnt blog.

Well, things like work, shooting, assignments, activities, work and all just take away all your time and energy. Hmm, things are begginning to settle down not because I am old and its time for me to get married. :) I guess tat this weekend will be assignment handing in time and many people are just rushing to finish it on time, including me. too lazy to do so here I am sitting in front of the pc doing the things tat i find relaxing to the mind.

Been doing some thinking about myself, my friendship and of course my life in general. Sometimes i think i am too compromising....and yet at time i dun feel tat way...Friendship in general are fine, meeting up with new ppl, maintaining the old and yet, its just like a cycle,.....every beginning of friendship is exciting and fun...and when we get to noe each other on and out...there is not much excitement left....and now...where is that suppose to go? I wonder....

Hmm, been too busy looking at other things and not the things tat i shud....Like my r/ship with God and all....

Blood is thicker than water

I had a good time in Malacca. There is no greater joy than spending time with ur family. Even though, no deep conversation was held, but rather the presence of just watching Tv together gave us the sense of belonging.

As I grew older, I've got many more friends and I used to think that Friends are more important than family. But now, as I mature and went tru many experiences, I can say that after GOd, My family will be the most important. I am not saying throw away your friends or friends are not important. There are also many categories of friends and certain friends are like family to you.

Well, I'm going back to Penang tmrw and I will sure miss my family and of course my cute doggies..:) My sis, Serina spent the whole week at home and it was good cathing up with her again..And I know taht the bond that we share is always there..:)
I just need to show a bit more effort and affection...

Will miss Malacca for sure..:)

p/s: There is nothing like Melaka food..:)

Malacca

I'm so glad that I am sitting in a cyber cafe in Melaka now. Cos my connection in Pg is slo slow that it just turn you off to go online. Many things have happened during my few weeks of missing on actions in Blogger...

For starters, I passed my MOTOR test with flying colour. Haha, nope didnt 'Rasuah' JPJ, but pass with my own skills...hahaha...just kidding.. The 10 person before me all screw up at the so called 'Killer Brigde' where many students will just fall off. Poor thing yeah...

Hmm, Convocation in USM last weekend was fun but definately exhausting. Going from one senior to the other senior's graduation was very tiring. So, now I am gald that I can be in Malacca....My hometown...And watch tv, and put my clothes into the washing machine, and not forgetting this is my territory, no one can mess with me man..:)

Hmm, AARON if you are reading this, pls get ur butt to my place....hahah....cos u supposed to go out with me....:)

Cioaz

Met Up with Yoke Yee

Yoke Yee is one of SUFES worker who happens to be my grandma for Camp. Anyway, she and I had a good chat. She told me things that i've not seen in that light before. She told me that I should actually sit back and relax and begin to discover myself. There are much to be seen and not what ppl ask me to be but who I am really deep inside. It was a  good talk. Well, we digest what she has just told me. Still dont feel well as I am still sick..ARgh...hate being sick...

Sick Cat

Sigh, I am not saying I rescued a sick cat from the drain or something to that extend. Actually, its me who is the sick cat. Been having flu and cough and the medicine just make u drowsy. Skip my lectures today cos during my first lecture, i was the only person who is coughing my lungs out and i think it distracted my classmates. Decided not to go for class.. ARGHHHH, hate to be sick. Last week was diarhoe and vomitting and I dunno wat's next. So many asgm due soon and i havent even started....Sigh....ok then, the medicine is getting its toll on me....cioaz

Making Decisions

I didnt know that making decision is so difficult. Yesterday, I made a decision to quit something which i've been doing for some time. Before quitting, I feel the need to take a break from everything. After quiting, I miss the sense of belonging. The things i'm going to miss and etc. I am not sure the decision I've made is the right one, but i do hope i will get blessings from the rest. Its sure is one tough decision and I will have to live with it now.